The day of your 20 week scan was our 1st open for inspection. We took Flynn to Nan and Pa's the night before. The plan was to have the scan at 9.30, come home to finish cleaning the house, pick up Flynn and then go and buy you something pink or blue. I was so excited to find out what you were. I was convinced you were a boy because your pregnancy was exactly like Flynn's. Boy was I wrong! We had only bought a few little things - mainly in light/mint green. If you were a boy we had all of Flynn's things and if you were a girl I was going to have heaps of fun shopping!
We hadn't really decided on names either. We were waiting for the scan results. I had more names picked out - Angus, Cooper, Ned, Hamish and even Noah made it back onto the list. I didn't have any girls names really. I liked Grace, Charlotte, Lily. We both liked Matilda and that was on the list when we had Flynn but I wasn't convinced. Now I think its the most beautiful name in the world. I say your name everyday, mainly just to myself, and wish you were still here.
I remember sitting in the waiting room feeling extra proud of my belly. The other 2 women there weren't as big as me so I assumed it was there 12 week scan. The girl who came out just before I went in came out beaming. She couldn't stop grinning at the picture of her baby while her husband paid. "That'll be us soon" I thought.
We were called into the room and as I lay on the bed I started to get a bit panicky. I kept saying over and over in my head, "Please God let them see a heartbeat"
The doctor, who was the same one we had at 12 weeks, started to wave the wand thing over my tummy. I wasn't worried straight away because it takes a few seconds sometimes. The Dr asked if I had any bleeding. NO. I'll never forget that scan Tilly. We could see you but you were so so still and quiet. There was no heartbeat. The Dr measured you - you were measuring at 16weeks 4 days. We could see you - you looked like a silouetter of yourself. The Dr was really nice and said, "i'm sorry but I have bad news. The baby's heart is not beating."
I couldn't believe was I hearing. This SO was not meant to happen.
It was like an outer-body experience. I was hearing all the words and I know he was talking to me but it still didn't seem real.
We were moved into a little room to wait to speak to McDreamy. I don't remember saying much to Dad. I remember crying and holding him. At one point it "occured" to me that it was his baby too. It was just me. He was your daddy was sad too.
We left the ultrasound place with no happy snap, no DVD and no idea if you were a boy or girl and no idea how this happened. Instead we left empty, heavy hearts.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Escape to the country
When you were around 15-16 weeks Daddy & I bought a block of land outside Melbourne. We wanted you and Flynn to grow up amongst fresh air, have pet chooks, eat home grown vegies and have plenty of room to run around. Our block is next to a horse stud. I often think that if you took after me and loved horses as much as I did when I was a little girl, you would've loved living next door to all those horses. You could've have had riding lessons from the neighbours and help look after them.
Anyway, because we bought the land we had to sell our house in Melb. I was glad to sell - I never really liked it, it was too small and the oil refinery nearby smelt when the wind blew a particular way and there was lots wrong with the house. The only thing I'd miss would be my friends .
Anyway, because we bought the land we had to sell our house in Melb. I was glad to sell - I never really liked it, it was too small and the oil refinery nearby smelt when the wind blew a particular way and there was lots wrong with the house. The only thing I'd miss would be my friends .
So far so good
Almost immediately after I did the test the symptoms appeared. I was so bloody tired. There'so tiredness quite like it. The morning sickness started earlier with you than Flynn. I would look forward to his afternoon sleep so I could take myself off for a nanna nap.
At around 9 weeks we went to QLD for a holiday. The weather was great and we had a lovely time but I felt so sick for most of it. I didn't care cos it meant you were growing and doing all the things you should've been. We went to Seaworld but didn't go on any of the rides in case something happened to you. I remember saying to Dad that we should come back when you were about 5 or 6 then we could all go on the rides together.
I was so looking forward to the 12 week scan. I couldn't wait to see you and see your heart beating. The Dr that did your scan was really nice - you can hear him talking on the DVD. Hearing your strong heartbeat was the most magical sound - and such a relief. The Dr said you were a good size and that we were spot on with our dates and that there was little chance you had downs syndrome. He didn't do a 4D scan like we got with Flynn but we have a picture of you. To be honest darl, its not a great shot of you. I'm sorry we'll never see how beautiful you would've been. I don't think anyone looks their best at 12 weeks.
I started showing with you fairly early. Mc Dreamy said most of it was gas and also my muscles ( I have muscles??) were looser because of Flynn. I was so proud of my bump. I loved comparing it with the others in Mothers Group. We went to the movies the week you were born and there was 4 of us sitting in a row, all with different size bumps. It was hilarious to look at and I loved the fact that you were going to have all these little friends to play with.
The last scan we had of you measured you at 16 weeks 4 days. I struggle with that because I am positive I felt you move a lot that night at the movies. Even dad thought he felt you move in bed one night. To be honest, at around 18-19 weeks I began to worry a bit that I hadn't felt you move much. They say you feel your second child earlier because you know what it feels like. They also say you feel more movement after 20 weeks. So, while I was worried I wasn't too concerned because I thought I was being paranoid and that after I had my 20 week scan I would have piece of mind that you were OK.
At around 9 weeks we went to QLD for a holiday. The weather was great and we had a lovely time but I felt so sick for most of it. I didn't care cos it meant you were growing and doing all the things you should've been. We went to Seaworld but didn't go on any of the rides in case something happened to you. I remember saying to Dad that we should come back when you were about 5 or 6 then we could all go on the rides together.
I was so looking forward to the 12 week scan. I couldn't wait to see you and see your heart beating. The Dr that did your scan was really nice - you can hear him talking on the DVD. Hearing your strong heartbeat was the most magical sound - and such a relief. The Dr said you were a good size and that we were spot on with our dates and that there was little chance you had downs syndrome. He didn't do a 4D scan like we got with Flynn but we have a picture of you. To be honest darl, its not a great shot of you. I'm sorry we'll never see how beautiful you would've been. I don't think anyone looks their best at 12 weeks.
I started showing with you fairly early. Mc Dreamy said most of it was gas and also my muscles ( I have muscles??) were looser because of Flynn. I was so proud of my bump. I loved comparing it with the others in Mothers Group. We went to the movies the week you were born and there was 4 of us sitting in a row, all with different size bumps. It was hilarious to look at and I loved the fact that you were going to have all these little friends to play with.
The last scan we had of you measured you at 16 weeks 4 days. I struggle with that because I am positive I felt you move a lot that night at the movies. Even dad thought he felt you move in bed one night. To be honest, at around 18-19 weeks I began to worry a bit that I hadn't felt you move much. They say you feel your second child earlier because you know what it feels like. They also say you feel more movement after 20 weeks. So, while I was worried I wasn't too concerned because I thought I was being paranoid and that after I had my 20 week scan I would have piece of mind that you were OK.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Let's start at the very beginning...
We started trying for you in about June/July of 2008. Flynn was 8 months old and we wanted to give him a brother or sister close to his age. We had no trouble conceiving him. We fell pregnant with him two months after losing our first baby at 8 weeks. Because we had no trouble conceiving before we thought it would be just as easy with you. After 5 months of trying I was getting frustrated. I know some people try for years with no luck. I can only imagine how each month of nothing can destroy your confidence and relationship and your self worth. Your poor old dad had to put up with my grumpiness and mood swings. I was so determined and focused on having a baby I'm sure I was a horror to live with.
I wanted more than anything to have another baby. There were so many tears and tantrums. What made it harder was that some Mums from Mother's group were pregnant and some of them weren't happy about it. They would say things like, " We thought we'd start trying but I honestly didn't think it would happen so quickly, I'm not sure if I'm ready for another one." Didn't they know how lucky they were? I thought it was so unfair.
McDreamy, my ob/gyn put me on Clomid to regulate my periods. I told Chris and she said she went on them for Emma and Sarah and it only took one month each time. "Excellent!" I thought, I'd be knocked up in no time.
4 cycles later and still no luck. Boy was I in a bad way.
I remember taking Flynn to Queen's Park on a Friday afternoon. Every second mum seemed to have a baby in her belly and every other woman had a toddler and a newborn. I was feeling so sorry for myself. To rub salt into my wounds I got a text message from Paula telling me she was 8 weeks pregnant.
That tipped me over the edge. That night I lay on our bed and cried and cried and cried. Your daddy and I talked about how the stress of trying for a baby waas doing us no good at all, but I didn't want to give up. I made the decision that after my period, which I was positive was on the way, that I would go back to McDreamy and ask him to do some tests to see why it wasn't happening.
That Saturday night I was awake for ages. I went down stairs and surfed the net for ages looking for a career change ( a back up plan if you like). It was in the wee small hours that I began to calculate the days in my cycle. I'd been keeping meticulous records of each cycle, tracking my most fertile days etc. This one didn't follow the same pattern as the others. I decided to go and get a test first thing in the morning. We'd been trying for so long and I'd bought so many tests each month but I'd stopped buying them because they always came up negative.
On Sunday morning Flynn and I went to Coles to get milk, the paper, a pregnancy test and some mouse traps ( because in the middle of the night I spied a filthy little bugger run under the fridge) I didn't tell your daddy I had bought a test - he didn't need any more disappointment. Although I did tell me about the mouse because that was his job to track it down and kill it.
I went upstairs to have a shower but I did the test first. When I got out of the shower I saw the most magnificent faint blue line next to the control window.
Matilda, you have no idea how happy I was to see that line. I was finally pregnant. The baby we've wanted for so long was finally here! I was SOOO EXCITED! I popped my dressing gown on, put the test in my pocket and went downstairs to show your father. He was sitting on the end of the couch with Flynn. I went right over to him and without saying anything, pulled the test out and showed it to him. Now, Tilly, your father is not the most demonstrative man when it comes to expressing his emotions and didn't really react. At least he didn't answer the phone as soon as he found out like he did with Flynn! Deep down though, I knew he was excited. Excited and relieved. I was relieved too. All that trying really does your head in.
The freaky thing was Tilly, the day I did your first test was exactly 2 years to the days since I did the test to find out I was having Flynn. 23/3/07 and 23/3/09. I thought that was kind of a good omen. It meant your due date was 30 Nov. Flynn's was 26 Nov but came 6 days early. You would be exactly 2 years apart. PERFECT!
I wanted more than anything to have another baby. There were so many tears and tantrums. What made it harder was that some Mums from Mother's group were pregnant and some of them weren't happy about it. They would say things like, " We thought we'd start trying but I honestly didn't think it would happen so quickly, I'm not sure if I'm ready for another one." Didn't they know how lucky they were? I thought it was so unfair.
McDreamy, my ob/gyn put me on Clomid to regulate my periods. I told Chris and she said she went on them for Emma and Sarah and it only took one month each time. "Excellent!" I thought, I'd be knocked up in no time.
4 cycles later and still no luck. Boy was I in a bad way.
I remember taking Flynn to Queen's Park on a Friday afternoon. Every second mum seemed to have a baby in her belly and every other woman had a toddler and a newborn. I was feeling so sorry for myself. To rub salt into my wounds I got a text message from Paula telling me she was 8 weeks pregnant.
That tipped me over the edge. That night I lay on our bed and cried and cried and cried. Your daddy and I talked about how the stress of trying for a baby waas doing us no good at all, but I didn't want to give up. I made the decision that after my period, which I was positive was on the way, that I would go back to McDreamy and ask him to do some tests to see why it wasn't happening.
That Saturday night I was awake for ages. I went down stairs and surfed the net for ages looking for a career change ( a back up plan if you like). It was in the wee small hours that I began to calculate the days in my cycle. I'd been keeping meticulous records of each cycle, tracking my most fertile days etc. This one didn't follow the same pattern as the others. I decided to go and get a test first thing in the morning. We'd been trying for so long and I'd bought so many tests each month but I'd stopped buying them because they always came up negative.
On Sunday morning Flynn and I went to Coles to get milk, the paper, a pregnancy test and some mouse traps ( because in the middle of the night I spied a filthy little bugger run under the fridge) I didn't tell your daddy I had bought a test - he didn't need any more disappointment. Although I did tell me about the mouse because that was his job to track it down and kill it.
I went upstairs to have a shower but I did the test first. When I got out of the shower I saw the most magnificent faint blue line next to the control window.
Matilda, you have no idea how happy I was to see that line. I was finally pregnant. The baby we've wanted for so long was finally here! I was SOOO EXCITED! I popped my dressing gown on, put the test in my pocket and went downstairs to show your father. He was sitting on the end of the couch with Flynn. I went right over to him and without saying anything, pulled the test out and showed it to him. Now, Tilly, your father is not the most demonstrative man when it comes to expressing his emotions and didn't really react. At least he didn't answer the phone as soon as he found out like he did with Flynn! Deep down though, I knew he was excited. Excited and relieved. I was relieved too. All that trying really does your head in.
The freaky thing was Tilly, the day I did your first test was exactly 2 years to the days since I did the test to find out I was having Flynn. 23/3/07 and 23/3/09. I thought that was kind of a good omen. It meant your due date was 30 Nov. Flynn's was 26 Nov but came 6 days early. You would be exactly 2 years apart. PERFECT!
Letters to my girl
My dear, dear Tilly,
I have so many things to tell you and so many things I was looking forward to doing with you. I can't tell you in how many ways my heart is breaking because we will never be able to share these things together. You were taken from us in such a ridiculously cruel way and we had so many adventures and opportunities planned for you - for the four of us. I am so so sad that we didn't get to know you and you didn't get to know us and to reach your full potential.
You will never know how loved and how wanted you were and how much we were looking forward to having you join our family. I hope that by writing to you it will help me grieve for you and that somehow you'll be looking down from heaven and be able to understand how much we love and miss you.
I have so many things to tell you and so many things I was looking forward to doing with you. I can't tell you in how many ways my heart is breaking because we will never be able to share these things together. You were taken from us in such a ridiculously cruel way and we had so many adventures and opportunities planned for you - for the four of us. I am so so sad that we didn't get to know you and you didn't get to know us and to reach your full potential.
You will never know how loved and how wanted you were and how much we were looking forward to having you join our family. I hope that by writing to you it will help me grieve for you and that somehow you'll be looking down from heaven and be able to understand how much we love and miss you.
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