Pink or Blue?

The day of your 20 week scan was our 1st open for inspection. We took Flynn to Nan and Pa's the night before. The plan was to have the scan at 9.30, come home to finish cleaning the house, pick up Flynn and then go and buy you something pink or blue. I was so excited to find out what you were. I was convinced you were a boy because your pregnancy was exactly like Flynn's. Boy was I wrong! We had only bought a few little things - mainly in light/mint green. If you were a boy we had all of Flynn's things and if you were a girl I was going to have heaps of fun shopping!
We hadn't really decided on names either. We were waiting for the scan results. I had more names picked out - Angus, Cooper, Ned, Hamish and even Noah made it back onto the list. I didn't have any girls names really. I liked Grace, Charlotte, Lily. We both liked Matilda and that was on the list when we had Flynn but I wasn't convinced. Now I think its the most beautiful name in the world. I say your name everyday, mainly just to myself, and wish you were still here.

I remember sitting in the waiting room feeling extra proud of my belly. The other 2 women there weren't as big as me so I assumed it was there 12 week scan. The girl who came out just before I went in came out beaming. She couldn't stop grinning at the picture of her baby while her husband paid. "That'll be us soon" I thought.
We were called into the room and as I lay on the bed I started to get a bit panicky. I kept saying over and over in my head, "Please God let them see a heartbeat"
The doctor, who was the same one we had at 12 weeks, started to wave the wand thing over my tummy. I wasn't worried straight away because it takes a few seconds sometimes. The Dr asked if I had any bleeding. NO. I'll never forget that scan Tilly. We could see you but you were so so still and quiet. There was no heartbeat. The Dr measured you - you were measuring at 16weeks 4 days. We could see you - you looked like a silouetter of yourself. The Dr was really nice and said, "i'm sorry but I have bad news. The baby's heart is not beating."
I couldn't believe was I hearing. This SO was not meant to happen.
It was like an outer-body experience. I was hearing all the words and I know he was talking to me but it still didn't seem real.
We were moved into a little room to wait to speak to McDreamy. I don't remember saying much to Dad. I remember crying and holding him. At one point it "occured" to me that it was his baby too. It was just me. He was your daddy was sad too.
We left the ultrasound place with no happy snap, no DVD and no idea if you were a boy or girl and no idea how this happened. Instead we left empty, heavy hearts.